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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Watching My Garden Grow

I find myself in an emotional tug-of-war. It stems from not holding down a job outside the home and bringing in a scheduled salary.

On one hand I am perfectly happy to remain at home while John leaves every morning to sell inventory to hospital gift shops. Twice a week I do donate plasma for which I'm paid twenty dollars for the first donation of the week then thirty the second donation. The two hundred dollars a month I bring home remains in savings and is our only source of savings.

I stay busy cleaning the house, planting vegetables and flowers, running errands, making phone calls for John who can't find time during the day. I pay our bills, run our financials, tend to our five pets, and fill the remainder of the time creating.

On the other hand we have debt the latest of which comes from the IRS caused by ignorance of tax law. Otherwise, the car I bought four years ago has a small loan balance. John has a cataract. It will cost no less than three thousand dollars to surgically have lens replacement. I decided it was time to check into medical insurance as an alternative. Because John takes blood pressure and diabetic medicines, insurance will cost upwards to five hundred dollars a month. We would NEVER spend that money on medical expenses in a year!

So I endure guilt for not working outside of our home. The fact is I don't want to. I spent thirty two years working my way up the corporate ladder; endured some pretty nasty managers who were not only micro-managers but insulting too. I don't have any desire to work for someone else ever again. That's not to say I won't at some point and that I'm the only one experiencing this frame of mind as millions of others find themselves in the same predicament.

I gave up the house cleaning business I started to be a 1099 contract employee for a company that went under a few months back. I'm physically incapable of restarting the house cleaning business because of compressed discs and arthritis in my lower back and neck. But, there again, if I was physically capable I wouldn't restart the house cleaning business.

I have the candy wrapping business but in order to market it I would have to travel outside of town since Lawrence isn't the proper market for personalized wrappers. This is more of an excuse than anything because there again I simply do not want to work more than what I'm working now.

Hence the guilt. Do you find yourself in the same emotional position? I tell myself to suck it up and begin marketing personalized candy wrappers. After all, the success of selling them would certainly alleviate the guilt. On the other hand, maybe watching my garden grow then reaping what it produces will rid me of the feeling.

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